On March 15th I wrote a blog at this site called the Unknown Survivor. In it I was wishing I could find the woman I had read about in the press who had survived an assault from Chelsea King’s alleged murderer John Gardner. I wanted to learn who she was and how she did it.

Lo and behold Reva of www.girlempowerselfdefense.com wrote me recently and on her website I found a link to a Larry King interview with the unknown survivor! Her name is Candace Moncayo and sure enough she believes she escaped Gardner because she fought back!

Hear her amazing story at; www.cnn.com/video/data/2.0/video/bestoftv/2010/03/16/lkl.attack.story.cnn.html

Everything is beginning to come together now. I can see a pinpoint of light at the end of all these activities. We continue to build one thing upon another and the global infrastructure takes shape inside the local one. It’s funny that we have a building going up in back of my house because I get to watch the new foundation being laid and that is so much of what we do here day in and day out, lay the foundation for a much larger vision.

I am finally the tortoise, slow and steady. Research, the curriculum, the people involved internationally, the time lines, everyday we’re a little bit closer to having a workable, sustainable safety skills franchise for the women and children of this world. I hope I never get over the belief that it’s a sin that we don’t have one already. In that way, this can’t happen fast enough for me…. But that’s just not the way this it’s going to be.

As for the hare in this story – been there, done that.

We just finished creating a website for SASA – Sexual Assault Survivors Anonymous!*  Hooray!
Visit at; www.sasaworldwide.org
May the program grow and prosper! The meetings were originally called Rape Survivors Anonymous when I brought the materials to Nairobi, but the meetings were shut down when I left IWD and we’ve had to start anew.

Here’s a testimonial I received from a former RSA attendee;

“Since the ordeal in 2006 I never spoke out until 2008 in a program called Rape Survivors Anonymous (RSA). Through the program I realized people were speaking out without fear and had courage to overcome the shame. It is at this forum that I also decided to speak out for the first time of my rape case.”

I can honestly say that from the moment I got this letter I knew I would try to rebuild this program. I networked with a few friends in Kenya and we all agreed a better name for the new 12 step group would be Sexual Assault Survivors Anonymous – “SASA” which means “NOW” in Kiswahili. This is actually the first week of meetings and I wish so much that I could attend and help support them. Once again, tea is being served in an effort to create a safe, cozy, peaceful environment for women wishing to share their experience, strength and hope.

*SASA Worldwide is not a program of NO MEANS NO WORLDWIDE.  We have provided all necessary support to get the meetings up and running. We also hope  that other groups use the “Meeting Info” at the SASA website to start their own groups across the globe.

Today I read a story in the SF Chronicle about a memorial for Chelsea King. She is a 17 year old girl who was murdered in San Diego. This may sound macabre but I’ve been thinking about someone else in that article. She is unnamed, but this is what it said;

“John Gardner, 30, has pleaded not guilty to Chelsea’s murder and the attempted rape of another woman in December.”

I just want to raise this question rhetorically. Who is this other woman and how did she escape this man? I have seen photos of him and he is formidable, he may be a serial killer and yet, this unknown woman got away. Whoever she is, I’m sure she has a horrific story to tell but it is one of successful defense. I feel so heartened by the fact that not only is she alive, but she can testify against this guy.

F’ing bravo.

So a group heads over to Kenya with my husband to work in his microloan program in Korogocho slum. His companions are young, talented and passionate about the work.
This was me 4 years ago.
This was how the whole thing started really.

I was walking in the slums meeting recipients of the Manasseh’s Children micro finance project.
We were talking and taking photos of the women and their businesses to show donors.
Everywhere I went I heard stories of rape. It was beyond belief. Especially the grandmother stories.

So here I am in the USA, working on a global curriculum. I speak with the group in Kenya.
They can’t get away from the rape issue. It comes up everywhere they go. A woman whose entire head is scarred from an assault. She’s grateful to be alive. A grandmother assaulted, her finger broken and swollen.
They are inundated with stories – just as I was.
They are horrified – just as I was.
They haven’t said a word to me about the microloans – they just can’t believe what they are hearing and seeing.

They want to jump just as I did.
We can’t put it in perspective because there is no perspective.
I spend the day working on the curriculum. I cancel everything I possibly can so I can work on the curriculum.
Invitations come in to teach here and there, to visit this or that country. I say no and I practice what I preach. No.
I work as quickly as I can, but it will never ever be fast enough for me.

Things I’m thinking about lately;
-Pageants… is there anyway to flip the pageant thing to feminist advantage? Would girls want to compete for prizes in a Miss Whoop-Ass of 2010?
-Creating a cool online Flash animation self defense game so that women can practice physical and verbal self defense in a wide variety of situations…
- Intuition – is it like a muscle you can build up? If so, what exercises would you need to do?
- How to forgive X when he gets out of rehab
- Sororities – why don’t we have some form of this in high school that focuses on empowering girls…or are they already out there? If so, please write and let me know…
- Girls Clubs … can this idea be urbanized/ modernized around safety issues? Girl Scouts were once a big deal – can that be revised for todays Facebook world?
- Public Health is actually another word for self defense

A friend just told me about a woman she knows who chased a guy out of the laundromat after he stole her lap top. She knocked him down as he tried to take off on his bike, grabbed his bag, took her laptop out and went back in to finish her laundry.

Guess what?

She had just gotten out of her first self defense class at noon that day. She said “I had just learned all this stuff and I figured I might as well try it.”

In my mind I multiply that pluck and energy to the thousands of women whose stories we have never heard, who have successfully defended themselves and caused an un-robbery, an un-rape, an un-assault, an un- molestation – I wish we had their stories on film to counteract all the images that tell us we can’t do this kind of thing….

I have a friend lucky enough to be at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. She sent out a letter today describing her activities. Here’s an interesting excerpt;

“Rode back on the bus with Heather McPhie – US Freestyle Skiing Olympian.
I asked her what goes through her mind as she is skiing her event – Freestyle- which involves speed, moguls, jumps. She said her mantra at the gate is “I believe” and then her mind goes completely calm and quiet — only with the occasional “hands in front”. Travis Mayer, who was the Silver Medalist in SLC 2002 and was our personal tutor at the freestyle event, said the same thing.”

Oddly enough this reminds me of an experience I had last year. I was asking this old drunk guy to move so that I could get my van out of the driveway. He got mad and instead of moving he ran at me with his cigarette trying to burn me. I remember my mind went quiet and the next thing I knew I had his cigarette hand by the wrist, twisting and my other hand on the car horn. He was begging me to let him go. It happened so fast – so so fast – but I remember the quiet and just knowing what to do.
So many women report experiencing this in assault situations. Some say they hear a voice assuring them, strategizing. The voice seems to float in a strange sea of calm.

Just like that voice “hands in front.”

The similarities here are striking.

Especially the opening mantra, the powerful and necessary entree to the realm of ferocity;  “I believe.”

A few people have written in to ask what I’m reading lately.

Are you ready for this?

Steps to Survival – Katy Mattingly
The Tipping Point – Malcom Gladwell
Influencer – Kerry Patterson
Research report; ;Elizabeth Ozer – Albert Bandura
Research report; Aaron Banks – Julian Reed
Bureau of Justice Stats on Victims of Violence 2009
Women’s Self Defense report – Laura Ann Kamienski
Research Latina Health Summit
Womens Bodies Womens Wisdom- Chrisiane Northrup MD
Anne Burke’s entire website
Teacher Training Manual – Women’s Safety Project
Teacher Training Manual – Women Defending Ourselves
Exploding the Myth of Self Defense – Judith Fein
Emyth Revisited – Michael Gerber 3 times!
Her Wits About Her  – Denise – Caignon, Gail Grove
Beauty Bites Beast – Ellen Snortland
Everything ever written by Nadia Telsey
The Girls Guide to Life- Catharine Dee

Currently I’m on the last few chapters of The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker – this is my second reading and it won’t be my last. This book just blows me mind!

Also, I just got The Chalice and the Blade – Riane Eisler -for some perspective and then I’m planning on re- reading Erin Weeds “Girls Fight Back.”

I’m absolutely fascinated by everything I’m looking at. Haunted by the potential of it and determined to make something of it.If you have  any suggestions send them in. I still have piles of books to go through, what’s a few more!

Onward!

I was sitting at the kitchen table the other day when I noticed the bottom section of a book peeking out from under my discarded newspaper. The only part of the page I could see was;

“Forgive them Father, they know not what they do.”

I stared at it awhile and began reassessing my view of that long abandoned edict. The last time I saw that line I viewed it through a singularly Catholic prism. Since then I’ve been through a 12 step program, Buddhism, life school, meditation practice, Oprah and Eckart Tolle.

So.
Is it still true? Was it ever true?
Do people really not know what they do?

Being in the violence prevention business puts a very interesting spin on this platitude. Did Chris Brown really not know what he was doing when he beat Rihanna? Did those 20 or so young men who watched a Richmond girl being raped not know what they were doing? And why should I forgive them?

Maybe there’s some kind of acceptable gray area between evil and ignorance. Maybe evil knows exactly what it’s doing but evil diluted with apathy doesn’t. And apathy diluted with complacency must also be forgiven and on down the delusion scale to ignorance. If that’s true most of us have a whole cast of characters in our lives that must be forgiven even while we suspect their actions – though quite purposeful – were driven by ignorance.

Surely if you are a soldier nailing a human being to cross, you are aware, on some level of what you are doing – at least physically. The soldier must justify it somehow. The crowd watching, cheering him on must justify it.
The emperor, the high priests all justified it somehow. But Jesus said to forgive them – said they didn’t know what they were doing. All I can think at this time is that he is speaking spiritually. That there is damage occurring on a level that they are unaware of and thus the ‘ignorance’ part.

This has always been a difficult issue for me. I am judgmental, I do use my reason all the time to assess people and situations. Depending on what’s happened I take my time forgiving people. I believe in that. I know so many people who jump to forgiveness to avoid the discomfort of confrontation and anger. I believe in calling people out on their behavior, I believe in being adult enough to be called out on mine.

It’s not that I ‘hold on’ to anger in a grim resentful way. I use it to grow. I don’t like to shut down justifiable anger. I like to let it melt in the light of day and new information involving the conflict and the principles concerned. I feel anger is important, has a place in this world and shouldn’t be shaken off. I believe in forgiveness but as a transformative power, not saintly armor.

If I was Jesus, with his flame of wisdom and his insiders perspective on the realities of eternal life, I might just ask my Creator to forgive others on my behalf. I might have that profound vision of ignorance in the midst of people doing heinous things, knowing exactly what they are doing but perhaps, and most importantly, not why.